|
Jesus CHRIST. So they really are like that. Huh.I'm talking about beauty pageants, folks, and the one I attended last night. The cheerleaders-turned-dancers, horrible singers, and baton twirlers of PiePixie County come together for the Junior Miss scholarship program. And a horrifying mix of hilarity, embarassment, and complete unfairness is the result! Of course I just had to be there. Now, before you lose all faith in me that might somehow be left over from this, I did have a reason for going. Six of them, in fact, and eight if you count sisters of friends. Four girls from the studio, one ex-Junior Miss who also goes to the studio, and the choreographer, our beloved Stretchy Boy (as dubbed by Sagen). And when I say "they really are like that?" They really do have baton twirlers. They really do have Irish dancing to Shania Twain. They really do have bitchiness to the extreme and catty glances between contestants as they float or clomp, depending, past each other during the "Poise" portion. It was like the goddamned Miss Congeniality of Georgia, plus lots of countrified bad grammar and sans happy ending. "I have went to all sorts of places on my mission trips..." Nooooo. And omigod, guess what, Amanda and I found out that the most life-changing experience of OUR lives have been accepting Christ, too! What a coincidence! Christ must have felt very accepted last night. I on the other hand was feeling like I was about to die, because I had to sit through about seventeen of the twenty-five girls tell me about their acceptance of Christ and god and their mission trips to Myrtle Beach (What???) and all the reasons they should not only be awarded Junior Miss, but sanctity. As if they didn't go backstage after they lost and scream, "GODDAMNIT TO HELL, THAT WASN'T FUCKING FAIR, THAT PIANO-PLAYING BITCH SHOULD DIE." Now, the girl who won deserved to win. She was a fantastic pianist, and a total sweetheart, according to Amanda. And I believe Amanda, because if she'd been fake, Amanda would have said so. But the one girl, Pinky, or Candy Puff, or Cinderella, as we've come to call her? She got almost every runner up category. My dance teacher's husband, Steve, amidst the spiteful whispering around the third or fourth time she stepped up to accept a prize, pointed and said loudly, "The second judge from the left is her UNCLE!" I love Steve. Also, I have to mention that my friend's sister Hannah was robbed. She has the most amazing voice, and she sang a bluegrass song acapella that made the whole audience go quiet. What'd she win? Not a thing. It was somewhat of an uproar. She had about twenty people surrounding her at all times after the show. And the worst part of the whole night: Amanda and I couldn't even snark, because "you never know whose family is sitting behind you." Sorry for the length. It needed to be documented. Actually, it probably would have been better off forgotten, but oh well. 2004-02-08 @ 2:24 p.m. |