|
Down A lot of change is going on, it seems. I forsee my head spinning in the near future. The new dance studio; Indy's parents and possible moving; the craziness referred to in a previous entry; Ashley and Angela's own craziness that's causing them to quit dance (very much like Indy's situation, and it will never be the same without them); Nicole's baby (I never thought I'd live to see her eat a full meal); and, well, high school. I thought once I got used to school, I wouldn't be scared anymore. So why am I, still?I'm worried about things and worried about friends. But here I stand, in the middle of all the changes, staying the same. It's like when you were little, and you thought turning a year older would make you feel like a grown-up. I don’t feel like a grown-up at all. I wonder if I ever will. I don't "like" anybody. I don't have these, these, how do you say..."plans?" No plans for my weekends. Are they an essential part of the high school experience, these plans? Should I be making an effort to get dates, to go to parties and act stupid, to try to feel a little older? Because right now, I feel small. Small, childish, useless. I can’t offer help, can't give good advice (especially on relationships, seeing as I've never had any), can’t be responsible, can’t talk to someone without wondering what they think about me and tripping over my own words, can’t straighten my back and turn out my feet, can't even finish the damn book that I’ve had all summer to read. I walked into orientation last week on my high horse, feeling like I didn’t belong, because I was so fucking mature. Those girls, with their makeup and Abercrombie and boyfriends and parties, they got nothin’ on me. I’m so much smarter than them; I don’t even feel like a high schooler. Shouldn’t I be graduating by now? Out of this godforsaken county? On to my if-they-could-just-see-me-now career? And I’m not sure what exactly knocked me down—a lot of things, I guess, the mental and the physical—but boy howdy, am I down. Cliché time: I’m sorry that I feel so sorry for myself. I don’t deserve my own pity; things are fine and dandy with me, compared to so many other people. But this is place I can come to give myself an undeserved pity party. Thanks, diary. Diaryland: Your daily dose of typical teenagers and their insignificant rantings. You know what would make me really happy? Caffeine and some new clothes.
2003-08-16 @ 9:59 p.m. |